Authors’ Note: We, Ruth and Becca, have experienced situations with emotional dysregulation of children in a variety of settings. From our homes as we parented foster children who had lived through horrific traumas to classrooms where we worked with students who showed varying degrees of dysregulation, we have learned a variety of strategies that have proved effective time and time again. You will notice our personal experiences are told from a first-person perspective; otherwise, we write using the collective pronoun we.
One evening the Ayres invited a group of friends to their house. During the visit, one of the friends had chest pains.
He couldn’t catch his breath, so immediately I called 911 for an ambulance. While I was on the phone, his breathing returned to normal. The 911 operator continued to talk with me, telling us that the paramedics were near our home.
I walked outside to keep an eye out and noticed the ambulance was parked a few yards away from our driveway. I relayed this information to the operator.
“They’re waiting for the police to arrive first,” she responded.
“Why?” I asked.
“The situation is stable, so they will wait for the police.”
Soon our home was filled with several police officers and two paramedics, and the situation was resolved. Our friend was okay. As the last of the police officers were leaving, I asked, “Why did the ambulance wait for you to arrive first? And why were there so many police cars?”
The police officer gave us his attention and said, “Because there have been domestic incidents here before, it is safest for medical personnel to wait for us.”
It took me a few moments to register what he was talking about. My husband put the pieces together first. “It’s because of the kids who were aggressive,” he explained to me.
“Yes,” the police officer confirmed. “They were extremely dangerous situations, and there were several of them.”
“The extremely dangerous people don’t live here anymore,” I said. “Is there any way that can be changed in your system?”
“No, ma’am. Domestic incidents will not be removed. We don’t want to put anyone in danger if they respond to an emergency call.”
“Does it indicate that the cause of the incidents were children?” I asked.
“No, that’s not the way it’s organized.”
I do not like the way this makes me feel. In a public system, my home is classified as a scene of multiple and extremely dangerous domestic disturbances. It doesn’t seem right, and it definitely feels unfair.
We adopted older children from the foster care system who were aggressive and violent. It was inevitable that we would need the emergency support of the police. I didn’t realize that asking for this support would eventually tag our residence in negative ways in their system.
When I get past the embarrassment of our home being labeled as a domestic incident residence, I can also understand the need for it in order to keep emergency personnel aware of potentially dangerous situations.
I do not like to share this story, yet it highlights the conundrum that we face in schools.
Difficult situations are commonplace in schools. Students become withdrawn or run away and hide. Others will be loudly aggressive and spit, bite, or kick. Sometimes we are faced with a crisis situation when someone is physically harmed. Too often students are emotionally distraught and bullied, and self-harm.
You’ve experienced the chaos that happens when a student unravels and their behavior becomes dysregulated. If you aren’t directly involved in the situation, then you know you’ll still hear about it, because we talk about the things that are shocking or overwhelming.
It’s easy to blame others when the situation is tense. We know; we’ve lived it within the walls of our own homes. Here’s what else we know: Blame never helps. You see, dysregulation doesn’t follow a script. It’s not something that is controlled and manhandled. It’s not something that will “shape up” if given the right consequences. Dysregulation isn’t something we can fix as educators.
This is not to say that we cannot help students learn to regulate their emotions. We can. It isn’t a linear process, which makes it more complicated than a Pinterest image or a TikTok video may portray.
We must resist the urge to believe that dysregulation is caused by a person. The problem is trauma. And trauma doesn’t play fair. Ever.
So, how do we avoid blaming others after chaos happens?
Hard and bad are two different words with very different meanings. When we focus on the bad, we all struggle. When we focus on the hard, we can choose to work together to learn and grow. This is true for dysregulated behaviors as well. We can choose to focus on the negative pieces of it, dangers that may come with it, or serious repercussions of it. Or we can choose to focus on the hard parts of dysregulation: the cause of it, the impact it has on brains, and the struggle it can be to pull others or ourselves out of it.
Dysregulation is going to happen. This reality often feels overwhelming. We need a plan to know how to navigate unexpected behaviors. By deciding before the middle of an incident, we can be thoughtful about how we want to respond when behaviors surprise us.
Before embarking on the big conversations necessary to determine how to maintain the humanity of everyone involved when disruptive behavior happens, take the time to survey the adults in your school community. Include teachers and support staff, bus drivers, cafeteria workers, office staff, and even regular substitute teachers or classroom volunteers. The more adults you include, the better understanding you will gain for leading future conversations about helping students regulate their emotions.
People have different levels of confidence for helping students regulate their emotions, as well as different levels of understanding of how trauma affects the brain. Following are 10 statements you can use to gauge how your school community feels about responding to extreme behaviors. If you add them to a Google form, the responses will automatically be used to create a chart. This chart will help you see patterns and can be a great starting point for future conversations.
Encourage people to respond based on their initial feelings. We want an accurate understanding of how people feel when it comes to engaging with students who distract, disrupt, or are aggressive. We encourage you to make this an anonymous survey to get the most truthful answers. It’s always better to know the truth rather than what people think you want to hear.
A Necessary Survey
Directions: Mark your response to each statement based on a 1–6 continuum. A 1 means you have little confidence/knowledge, and a 6 means you are very confident or could teach others about the idea.
I understand the impact of trauma on the brain.
I can identify a trauma response.
I notice when a student is feeling stress or fear and is beginning to escalate.
I am able to help a student de-escalate.
I know how to respond if a student is threatening another’s safety.
I am confident in my ability to remain regulated around dysregulation.
I am able to maintain others’ safety during an escalation.
I believe in the importance of a student returning to the classroom after an escalation, even when aggressive behavior was exhibited.
I know how to support a student who needs help regulating emotions.
I am confident in communicating with colleagues, families, and others about a crisis situation.
