When I’m frustrated with someone, I tend to have long conversations in my head, picturing all the ways I could explain exactly how this person has annoyed me. I’m looking for the best words to explain how right I am and how wrong they are. In these imaginary conversations, I am vindicated, and I always come out on top.
Way too often, my instinct is just to have the conversation in my head instead of with the other person, and nothing ever gets resolved. Difficult conversations are difficult for a reason: They center on conflict, and when the conflict is about your work, it can feel deeply personal. Whatever the topic from which the conflict stemmed, it is not always simple to work through issues, especially when you have to work closely with the person with whom you disagree. But in developing strong working relationships, conflict is unavoidable, and even necessary. When you need to have a tough conversation with a colleague, here are some ideas that may help.
Be genuine.
We have all seen or heard about difficult conversations, and those experiences shape our pictures of what conflict looks like. But when we go into a situation holding those images in our heads, we do everyone a disservice. Difficult conversations are even harder when we try to imitate what someone else might do, or when we expect this situation to look like our past experiences. Be present in this moment with this person, and be genuine in listening and reacting. No matter how the conversation ends, participating in an honest way helps keep us in the moment and focused on the situation at hand.
Ask questions.
When we’re in a difficult conversation, the temptation is to present our defense and explain all the reasons we are right. But it’s more important to spend that time asking questions. Learning about the other side is more beneficial than justifying ourselves. Through questioning, we get a clearer picture of why the other person disagrees with us, and it may help us understand their point of view. Keeping a posture of curiosity and actively listening gives us insight into any information we didn’t know, and may help us connect with the other person, even if we still don’t agree.
Reach for empathy, not necessarily agreement.
It’s possible, even likely, that by the end of your discussion, you and the other party will still not be in agreement, no matter what either of you does or says. That’s okay. There is no way to always ensure harmony.
But agreement was never the true point of the conversation. When we engage in tough conversations with our colleagues, what we are really reaching for is empathy. Understanding someone else’s feelings is more important than being right or receiving an apology. We engage in these discussions of conflict to see each other more clearly and take steps toward mutual appreciation, even if total agreement proves impossible. Difficult conversations let us dig through the shallow layers that cover our regular interactions and get glimpses of the deeper humanity underneath. It does not ensure we will like what we find, but ideally we will have a better idea of why the conflict existed in the first place. Having tough conversations with the goal of empathy creates space for the relationship to continue after this conflict, rather than splintering into numerous disagreements throughout the future.
Engaging in conflict is challenging, especially since there is no guarantee that we will get the results we want. But participating in these conversations helps us understand our colleagues better and build relationships so we can continue working together to benefit students. Talking about the tough things helps clear resentments and lets everyone feel that they are heard, even if the ultimate decision does not go their way.
