I had wondered about and lost sleep over it for long enough. I was ready to have the difficult conversation. I grabbed my coffee, looked at the clock (still 45 minutes until the students would arrive), and headed to the teacher’s room. “Do you have a moment to chat?” I asked. She invited me in, and joined me at a student table.
“What’s up?” she inquired.
“I just feel as though things haven’t been great between us. I guess I’m wondering what’s wrong.”
As I’d just invited her to do, she started listing things about which she was unhappy. The words went straight through me. I felt emotion bubbling up—the pit in my stomach, a lump rising in my throat, my eyes starting to burn. Why hadn’t I been prepared for this?
Wiping my now visible tears, I squared my shoulders and tried, probably unsuccessfully, to ask coaching questions. “What do you wish I had done differently? What I hear you saying is…” As coaching stems are meant to do, they encouraged the teacher to continue. And thus I let the words continue to hurt me. I felt my body shift into defensiveness, countering with questions I felt pushed the teacher to evaluate her role in this, and then finally into defeat. Tears were pouring out faster than I could wipe them, and my breath would catch anytime I thought about speaking. I stood up, walked back to my office, shut the door, and wept.
I am so very lucky to work with one of my closest friends, who let me cry, validated my feelings, and then made me laugh—all the things I needed so I could be sitting here now, reflective and ready to consider what I would do differently next time.
Giving the Teacher a Heads-Up
I had the privilege of spending lots of time thinking about and planning for this conversation (not that I was properly prepared), but the teacher most likely did not. I wonder how the conversation might have been different if I had sent her a quick email or text to let her know. With this, I could’ve shared a brief summary of my worries and given her the same opportunity of preparation.
Timing
I started this conversation one morning before school, thinking there was plenty of time before students arrived. In reality, I walked out of her room just as the students were coming in. I was walking like a fish swimming upstream with a splotchy red, crying face, while the teacher didn’t even have a moment to reset before starting her instructional day. Neither of these was ideal. Along with the heads-up I would give the teacher, we would be able to find a more suitable time for the conversation.
Words Matter
I’ve replayed my first sentence over and over. Although I truly went into the teacher’s room wanting to ask if I had done something to upset her, the way I phrased my first question might have put her on the defensive. With an emailed heads-up, I can be more thoughtful about my initial words and then lead our in-person meeting with “Thank you so much for taking time to talk this through with me.” This would create more of a sense of shared problem-solving.
Knowing When to Step Away
There was a point in our conversation when my emotions were preventing me from forming coherent sentences. That is when we really stepped into ineffective territory and I should have stepped away. Never underestimate the power of a break—a simple “I think I need a moment to compose myself. Can we continue this conversation at a time when I can be calmer?”
Your Actions Define You
My tears were eventually replaced by anger. My knee-jerk reaction was to avoid the teacher at all costs, or to make sure she knew I was mad, although when I was able to be more rational, I considered how I want my actions to define me. I want to proceed with curiosity, kindness, and forgiveness. And so I am intentional in being that person.
Healing and Moving Forward
This will look different for everybody. In my case, I wrote the teacher a note. I apologized for how the conversation had ended and reiterated that my coming to her was based on my level of respect for her and our relationship. I did not offer to continue the conversation at this time, but with time and healing for us both, perhaps it’ll be an option in the future.
So much of instructional coaching is about building relationships, and I’m confident that this was not my last difficult conversation. And while I don’t know for certain what will become of my relationship with this teacher, I do know that what I have learned will positively impact relationships in my future. I hope these words might do the same for you.
